two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
