Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
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