I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
