Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize