I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
