He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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