i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
