I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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