I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
