It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
