I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Randomize