Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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