Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
