You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
