Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
