Jerry, you need to find god
he puts the penis in happiness.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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