So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
All the doctor said was why
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
