I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
