question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
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