the day after is always just damage control
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
