I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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