sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
