Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
