I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
