Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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