I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
