I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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