Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
