I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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