she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
