So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
