I just threw up on my dentist
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
