This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
