Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
