what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
