I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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