i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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