The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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