I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
