FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
