he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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