I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
