Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
