I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
