Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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