Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
