Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
