Your face is a jimmy john
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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