I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
