Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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