there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
