Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
