he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
