just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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