I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize