Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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