my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
