Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
